I think I actually did and expected the future hurt to come so much I caused it to. hello Dr. E. But it was too late and I became needy and insecure and constantly talked about our relationship. We hung out every other day since then. It was been practically perfect. but i really love him. Hit.I know she loves me but she hardly talks to meme anymore ignores me doesnt find me interesting and pulling away from me and Im am starting to feel like pull in out myself. 7 months into the relationship he confessed he is really into me and that he could say he love me. What should I do my parents are against him I cant live widout him n now he is moving away frm me . Financial security is not enough to make you stay with someone your not in love with. Despite my attempts, no progress towards strengthening anything was made today. I forgave him after some days, tried to work at it again. Good Morning Dr. Heb, You may be saving his life. Hi Dr. Deb, The thing is, I know what hes going through because I fell out of love with him as well a longer while back, but regained it again, a new deeper love, over time through both his unknowing efforts and mine (I didnt let him know of it). Im not sure how to feel about that, she was already dealing with her own emotional conflicts and seeing a therapist (though she is currently away for the summer) before we got together. . Even if there was not another man in the picture I still believe Money or lack there of is not a reason to stay with a man who doesnt love and respect you like he should. I expected that after three years, and his wrongdoing, that he would be a little more apt to showing me that he truly does want to be with me but it seems like he doesnt. I think if I was able to open my heart again to him, our marriage could thrive, because he is already in that place. But I am doing everything like before and he still wants sexual relations but he keeps saying there is no chance . I know its as much time as he needs but I wish that I could have some idea of what that is, what is typical. iv been wit my man for 9 years now but we are not married, we have a kid and now she is 6 years old,, we met in high school whith my boy friend and there everything was preety good, we used to love each other very much share everything together bt last year early things started to change, i found him in our bed whith this other girl, since then evrythn was not good he never gave me a reason to forgive him for what he did. Sure, what he did was wrong. Fast forward, she badly needed to see me in May but I prevented her cus I was confused about my status. but he kept saying we would marry though he didnt mean it. Now im depressed and my self esteem have dropped rock bottom. So i refused to give her simple and straight forward answer. hi Nadine, We also went on vacations with both our families and just in all we were very very close. And I cant understand whats on his mind. but the truth is i was in contact with him . he said that he wants to break up and no communication at all. But there is another dimension of depression that can lead to the idea of escape as the answer. Why not show him this article and see if it makes an impact? I dont know what to do? I dont want to always regret what I could have had. Thank u so much. help. I noticed it is her number but i did not answer. me (25) and my girlfriend (22) have been dating for over 5 years. Your letter comes down to this: Your husband has been emotionally abusive to you for almost 4 decades and has been cheating for many years. 6) New partners bore you to tears Please help. I dont want to lose him. I dont think I can trust him anymore but I do love him very very much. DONT be needy!! Unfortunately, she had complications with the pregnancy and the child was lost. The problem is you havent lived long enough to see it from the other end. She claims it was like a science experiment to see if she could feel anything. I really dont think this situation requires something that you can do to fix it. but basically done nothing to try and correct the problem. He slowly opened back up to me and after 4 months I got a I love you from him, which frankly shocked me into speechlessness. Even before all this my anger was the main issue. Hello. Hi I have been with my bf for 3 years Im pregnant with his second child an caught him wwatching porn I feel so down ugly and unloved. Very often when we love someone, we want them to thrive. If the person youre married to is not able to be intimate, its time for counseling, IMO. Some are really painful. I hate to sound redundant, but maybe you should speak to a therapist to find out. He always changes for a couple of weeks then goes back, in the pass he has cheated. So I think the counseling should be a good move provided the counselor doesnt just say mhm but actually has tools and opens you up to further thoughts. I have been with my boyfriend for a little over 6 months. My new course will most likely help. But my parents did not let me leave with him. He loved me though was a hot tmepered peron but really loved me a lot .we stopped meeting each other because my family is so against of him and their arent allowing me to meet that guy or to go out of thw house alone . About a month upon coming back, he finally confessed to me that he had slept with another woman while I was gone. My husbands questions were to ask me to give him respect & trust so that we could work at regaining the love in our marriage. No longer friends on social media. Hi Aran He worked construction under a friend. I can see in his heart he wants to try because every now and then he will go back to the way he was in the beginning and do nice things for me just because, but then he says he thinks about everything all over again and gets angry again and hesitates. This is normal: teens are just starting life and they really havent enough life experience to be secure. Craig thank you for your apology. He says no he doesnt want to save the marriage and its a little to late so thats my fault. If she still wont trust you, then you can go to couples counseling to re-build trust. My depression has not been easy and I know neither has been trying to be sober for him it just seems like there is no hope to get better and be a family. Do not give up. I have been in this relationship for 8 months. It has been two months and I am depressed. 4 years ago I took up skiing went every week at local dry slopes. etc.? I felt like he didnt care when he just didnt know how to react. Im bothered by his lack of compassion, not your lack of listening. I know I love her with every ounce of my being, but throughout the relationship, I managed to abuse her physically and mentally. Call me crazy but I thought we could fix this however it is becoming more & more challenging. We are on our last straw and my boyfriend of over 2 years; known each other for 3, wont talk to me until I tell him what he wants to hear or have something told to him that he doesnt know. Could it be that someone has planted the idea that life just cant be good? I did a lot for her that I cant even mention. Show him that you mean what you say and say what you mean. Its been a tough road and with a child who is 10 years old I came to a point in my life where I felt the last 2 years I have fallen out of love with him . Maybe a Gestalt therapist, CBT. Ive been exercising and eating healthy. Weve been having problems for the last year or more. He thinks Im really that mean,fussy, negative and everything else person that he had seen all these years. Then, when our bucket is full it is easier not to count: did he do this for me? Is he happy? I hate what he did, but I know on some level that was not truly who he was; he was just battling his own fears. It takes time and patience. if not how do i get over her, she was my first love and is my high school sweet heart and i am absolutely lost without her. Within the first 3 months he started changing. Recently he got a job that would cause us to move away from our home town, family and friends. I see my fault as well as I am a passionate person who tends to dramatize sometimes and he always wanted me to listen more to what he is saying. Can he really have a sex/hormone problem? He used to be a very emotional manhe would cry sometimes just because he loved me so much. Soon after that, she broke down, genuinely apologized and begged for forgiveness. Ive been doing this to him, and getting progressively worse, since January. I know that I have built up a forcefield around me out of fear and I have grown and realize that loving someone is a choice. We broke up for 4-5 months at the beginning of this year and I was hurt and I slept with someone. We had loaned her our 1 vehicle to her in the interim so that her mother & step-father could use her car. We had a one night stand and he got me pregnant on purpose!! If you have a need to talk, then you are still insecure. which he has acknowledged, he just says now that he can no longer ever love me again,but he loves me above everyone else in his life, and im beautiful and the perfect partner. It looks to me like you are taking good steps your husb has a therapist and is getting alcohol counseling. It is an awful hurt that comes with this type of break up and I have empathy and can see his point. Men respond well to unconditional respect. And he opened up to me again and told me pieces at a time. They talked as friends at first but then started showing each other there naughty areas. His reactions are not normal. ( I think he got tired of her neediness) she then was in a 2 year relationship with a man that was 15 years older. My wife has just started an executive MBA which involves travel and I am 100% behind her in making sure she is successful. Can the spark of my kiss be there again? He gave me the letters i wrote back, said he will come around our son when he is a better role model and that he doesnt exist to me or my family and never to contact him again. Not until we can start counseling and actually get some help with our relationship. Im not sure what to do at this point. Now all I have left is regret and a life without him in it. Ask about her favorite things, what she wants to do next in life, what makes her sad or happy, etc. Instead she disrespects me further and deeper and not being reasonable for a second. I asked her to please talk nicer to me when she is upset and asked her if she would start trying to play a part in my familys lives. id never done anything with anyone until id left. We became the best of friends, but also sexual partners. All Ive been doing is focusing on bettering myself in the meantime. Please, help me stop the non stop pain I feel. Well, I did worry and it put a breach between us. Hed ignore my messages for minutes and reply me after hed replied hers. You did the right thing to go to a professional. I know him very well and one of his traits is how possessive he is of me. She came home said good night to the kids. I was very ungrateful towards him. He had been trying to give us another chance since March. Generally in cases like this BOTH people have something to learn about life. Just for adding a childhood friend. Then comes running back few minutes later. I do know her possibly of calling me again. If things are starting off well, then its time for some action now, which will make the girl smile at least once during the course of your date. I really want to try and work things out any suggestions ? What Im concerned about is that shes going to call me for rescue if something happens. I am trying my best not to worry but its hard. I am offering a course in this very subject, however, and you might want to inquire further. He was very light-hearted around her at each meeting & I could see his colour rise & the change in his voice & body language towards her whenever we visited. Even more than when we firet met. I hate it, I do not know how to fix it anymore. for me to wake up, for me to finally have a thing I could point to without being told I was crazy or making mountains out of molehills. but the trust is gone in this relationship dr. and the worst part was he got to know from him that we were in touch . It hurt a lot but I listened and answered honestly any questions he wanted from me. So to what am I doing I could ask you the same one of my doing and I crazy to continue to hold on hoping and praying and I have a very strong faith in my religion he does not. Hello. Its been over a year and a half since the wall went upclosing in on 2 years. I took on all kinds of extra responsibility so that she could do more with her career. He has never had a steady job, and im lucky if I get a couple hundred bucks off him a month. It saddens me that our children have a father who wants to be around them, but cant stand to be around them when they are near. For a long time I pushed her needs off to the side but now she is my Queen. This is frustrating her and causing her to give up hope. We have only been separated about 6 weeks (feels like an eternity) and she says dont have hope it will never happen I should move on. My spouse is trying to be patient, but I still dont think he really gets the emotional toll his affair had on me, even though it was several years ago. And sexual encounter just happened. And then left for her girlfriends house. I returned an hour later simply because it was 10PM on New Years Day and I couldnt find a place to go. My final rejection of his efforts to start again are a step to far. He said he wasnt going to ever speak to her and he wanted to make things right. My boyfriend and I have been together 4yrs. Marriage should not be taken lightly. So, here is my honest opinion: A. I pledged my love, life & faith to this man. I am at a loss as to what to do reached that what is the point question. We clicked on a level Ive never felt before, and I dont think hed ever felt anything like it either. he took an overdose and got very sick, we talked things out and i came home (to our home we are currently buying) we made changes things where good again. Should I tell him what I was going through and see if he wants to pursue a relationship, or remain friends? Whether you hate someone who hurt you or does things that bother you, it can be tough to let go of your feelings. When you love someone with your entire being, it will hurt to the point of no return when you lose them. I am slowly getting over him, the last three weeks I have been in such utter despair and pain, memories that break my heart anew every time I remember them. She is literally more angry about it now then she was when she first got the message. Can anyone else relate? If she doesnt even understand herself and you always had to persuade her of things, then maybe that is the problem. Go and get a bible. I have been in a relationship that operates like a marriage for 6 years w/my boyfriend. My boyfriend was perfect. I told her i wanted to be friends but we kept having great sex and hanging out. He is very clear that he cannot be with me anymore, he cant find his feelings towards me ( however, when asked if there was a way to find them would he want to find them he said he would but he did not believe it was possible anymore). Thats real love. He showed me true regret for his actions this weekend, but today, I am so scared. Just in June we were looking at engagment rings. Well, I did worry and it put a breach between us. And that means the first step is to love and appreciate yourself. That I had some huge disappointments to get through (school fails, dream fails, health fails) and 6 months ago I was kissing him and was distracted. You made my night truly, I dont even know how I came across this lolbut im here and im reading this thread and I want you to know that you are so wonderfully kind. Give that effort and love to your child. How do we recover from such a thing? I had the same occurrence with my ex. Im afraid that im pushing to hard and it will drive her off, but on the other hand im afraid that we will grow apart even further I keep telling her that it takes time and maybe the feelings of support will lead to more feelings, at least I hope so. I felt this way because in the past when I brought up marriage, he would get sort of mad and say itll come when it does. Something about his confidence was a compete turn on for me. What he feels is happening to him not you. But that day when we bought my computer, I decided not to tell my boyfriend precisely because I dont want him to think that Im going out too much with my friend. Just because he talked to you for friendship and advice did not mean you could help him repair his marriage. In my frustration of her asking over and over I said I had a wedding to go to in two weeks. That thin line will send us downhill again and again. Influenced mainly by a friend of his. Because his confidence in me was shaken, me stepping back and letting him process things, it helped. Recently I told him that I wasnt emotionally or mentally ready to get married at this time-I know it broke his heart and it broke mine too. Yet we do not have to listen to The Persuaders' soulful vocals to know that love and hate can coexist. Doesnt have to be lots but it has to be important. Ice skating is another perfect date idea for all you introverts out there because it forces you to hold hands with the girl while also allowing you both to stare deep into each others eyes. She does not want to fix it. I should have told him the truth, but I didnt want to lose him or hurt him by telling him. I finally went back to the US and told him I wanted out if the marriage. He got her to download a video call app, that he wanted to see her face. About 2 weeks ago, everything came to the light & I was cut off from the guy I was cheating with. This is provided he is willing to go in that direction. self wasnt with her, I felt bad for her cos im so An outside source, another person but she only got mad. He said he loved me with his whole heart but I hurt him and I had to rebuild his trust. But if you made a habit of lying and getting caught, that would explain why your ex hates you. This is the first time anything like this has ever happened so I feel upset that he would jump straight to getting a divorce. But,they kissed. We have both suffered from depression but I forgive, and have friends now who have hurt me badly in the past. she said that I should make sure Im coming close for my daughter and not for her. We here at GoodTherapy.org are not qualified to offer professional advice. My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. I never do that. insanely in love with me anymore, she said she was Putting aside this other relationship, something has gone wrong in YOURS. How do I fix this? What should I do? The other husband and I were joking around. I thought she would learn few lesson if I ignore her for some time. I know I have to move on though. Should I continue to work on our relationship and eventually she will come back or should I move on? He told me that he was just stressed out and that it was no big deal. So along with medications and spinal surgery he has resorted back to using pot. He has even told me he wishes to marry me. I wanted my boyfriend to comfort me but since he didnt know what to do and I didnt tell him what I wanted things got bad. Eventually we both found out about the other. I went there and spent two weeks and on my last day there on the way to the airport someone texted him and I texted them back and they were basically willing to meet up with him it was a girl . It's understandable that you might hate the fact you did it, but you can learn from it and from how you feel. If you truly love him amd want to keep your relationship, so you must act quickly! I had developed a headache just before we were meant to go out for the night so I was in bed. Hi The Lightened, He has always been so focussed in what he wants and if problems occur, deals with them. We separated and i moved out. I told him last week. I just feel kind of numb most of the time. He is a good provider goes to church, and he is a good father. We were to re-new our vows at the end of October on the very day we said our I Dos. This man I know I love but..is love enough to keep my eyes from wandering? My soul mate, my lover, my best friend feels like hes not enough for me. I am so confused. Its now august and things arent any better. Its almost as if Good and Bad is unclear in your mind and everything first looked good when it wasnt and now everything looks all bad when it may not be. Why did I say something so bloody stupid?! Yes, when I am asked. I still feel hurt and betrayed by my ex and sometimes i still cry about it or feel down about it. After she read the text from my ex and found that I had turned down all her advances, she went further to search through other text messages all the way back to a year ago and that was how she discovered the cheating. Anyway, my fianc has found messages in my phone between the 2 of us on 2 different occasions within a 6 month timeframe. I been down this road before with my first marriage. i just wanted to know from the good doctor, Weve kept contact here and there but we argue. But then around 4 months ago I got sexually assaulted while out with a girlfriend and it left me very emotionally apart. I never know what to do, he says I dont comfort him, that hes tired for the past three years hes done everything, he puts my feelings first and as a girlfriend all of this should be an instinct, I should know what to do and say as a girlfriend. We were together for 17 yrs And while it was not all bad there were period of toxic behavior and unhealthy habits that negative impacted our children. Hes actually with a girl now that I was friends with I dont mind as long as he is happy and I think hes happy with her because he usually does not date. This will take time (1-2 years) but very well worth it. Certainly, when my alarm goes off at 5:30 in the morning so I can get ready to drive my daughter to school, I would much rather turn off the alarm and roll over for some more shut-eye all else being equal. You need to investigate. I nagged at her all the time, I have no clue why? Hi Dr. Deb. DrDeb, I loved him, just couldnt deal with the ex and the mom, tried telling him over and over that this was causing problems, he couldnt understand, kept saying he isnt interested in her. We both love each other very much but she has told me that she has been holding back her feelings to spare me and now she feels that she has neglected to take care if her own feelings. PostedMarch 27, 2018 The Persuaders were not, in fact, singing about hating and loving a person at the same time, but about love turning to hate. This was 3 weeks ago. My son is now almost 18. about 5 months ago i met this amazing woman. It tore me apart! I have been with my boyfriend for 7 and years now. The last few months I cheated on him. We currently stay together and we been trying to work on it but HE talks to others girls or spend time with them while Im at work or at home alone, my man says I dont talk to him been saying it for the whole relationship. From my experience there is a lot more going on at home since my husband returned from Iraq. There was one friend that I always wasnt comfortable with. i was raised to have a united family and divorce was not something i initially saw as been an option. He has utterly broken me, I dont know if I will ever recover. And I said I was there for two weeks and they said thats why he blocked me. It was then I realized how much she loves me and it dawn on me how bad I had messed up. Hi Jack, I hurt him so badly he suffers from ptsd hes a veteran. he basically has only ever had to think about getting up and going to work, house work done, clothes cleaned ironed done. And the fact that he was not working is because they didnt insist on it. After all, you are a quality person! He said he would. I finally told him several days laterbut it was too late because he thinks i cheated and i did not. But in a sexy way. It has been nearly a year and I continue to have good and bad days. Well, I am puzzled. The things he likes? Ive suggested therapy but he refuses. ( I am 31 and in my prime and starting to think I would never experience that again.) Thanks in advance and apologies for the length of post but as I said it is all still pretty raw. Why would the woman I love take something from my past and stab me in the back with it? Please go together to see a couples counselor. Three months after the disclosure, he was on his knee proposing to me & asking that we re-new our wedding vows & return to the church where wed married in 1976 to do so. Everytime we would argue he would threaten to leave, so he did one other time and I went to my ex boyfriend for someone to talk to. But its been 2 years now and he brings this up everyday, yes I get it I hurt you Im sorry but to bring it up everyday? He has now started to get womens phone numbers in bars and at work to prove a point, and that has made things 10xs worse between us. That is what you need. After several visits to New Orleans over the years and a lot of convincing from family and friends I made a very quick and somewhat regrettable decision to leave the girl I love and move to this city in hopes of furthering my craft. But first, let me say Im sorry if I was harsh. You have feelings; youre human. And he responds this way: "Yeah, I mean, that's not "all" of it, but it's a lot. Did he want the acct so he can spend all his money on date nights,outings,and buying the new woman gifts. If it was not fear but your own low self esteem, then THAT is what you need to work on in therapy. I would ask him to come along to some of the events. They'll never leave each other. At some point, my partner started therapy to deal with all of this; I did not. INSAY IM SORRY,I TELL HER I WILL PROVE HER WRONG ABOUT ME, I WILL SET ASIDE MY INSECURITIES AND MEET HER, I CONTINUE TO TRY TO PLEASE HER. It's okay not to like someone, but do your. after having the baby the arguments continued because he spends most of his time away from home . Since then there have been a couple of other moments where I have got drunk and hurt him. WE literally had a wonderful six months before this one fight. The one thing I wish I could change about him is his inability towards insight. It seems that an emotion with a high arousal effect can quickly turn from positive (love) to negative (hate). Every time I got my hopes up that he was changing reality would slap me in the face. He now realized how wrong he has been and is fully committed to change everything and to show me how he is putting me always first, no matter what. Anyone can retaliate. I have been married for 14 years, the first two was bliss, I was attentive always wanted sex it was awesome. Please! Mostly, theyre just for fun and the fun gets old with the same partners so people switch. Hi Dr. Deb, your advice will be greatly appreciated. Life is too short too settle.just make sure this is what you want because once you do there is no turning back and make sure he is the man you love. This is not the first time this has happened, but we always manage to decide to work around things and still be together. I want him back. He was very worried about me and I understand that, but he was also worried that I would cheat on him. So I started chatting with his cousin. We wanted to provide links to some resources that may be relevant to you here. This will NOT go away, so your boyfriend needs short-term but very intense therapy directed to correcting this BEFORE you can forgive him. If anything, I am more weepy and depressed than ever before. We are like soul-mates and only like the comfort from each other. I think the whole problem is that I am not patient enough and am constantly checking in with her too see if progress is being made. He had no business messing with you emotionally even if he did nothing wrong physically. 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